Return to the world of blogging? Not overly likely.

Why do I forget about these things except when I’m in a bad mood? It’s just poor form really. Not even an inanimate entity (such as the internet) should have to put up with nothing but my whining. It’s just not cricket. In fact, I think someone should call the humane society.

With all that said, I’m actually not in a particularly bad mood – but the catch is that I also don’t have a lot to say. So instead I suppose I’ll go with the standard “update”. Oh how boring.

I have four exams. That alone should be enough to make my head implode but as usual I’m cutting studying close and praying that I fluke it once again. Hollie and I recently established that I get such bad karma in all other aspects of my life because I get insanely GOOD karma in my uni assignments (in that I continually hand things up late and still maintain a pretty good GPA). So instead I have continued to take on way too many hours at work. Le sigh.
Ecuador is less than a month away. Currently the concept of me dragging my pudgy self around a forest is extremely laughable. I shall either die of exhaustion or die of laughter at my own ridiculousness. Either is a distinct possibility.
After that… there is a distinct blank spot where I pretend the time between me coming back from Ecuador and leaving for Melbourne doesn’t exist. And then back at uni for an immensely exciting few months whilst I try to wait patiently for Canada. Do I base all my life around my travel plans? Yes. Yes I do.

 

I’m too hot to think of anything else to write. Bring on the beach! … after exams that is.

 

Road

Life drives me crazy when my head gets like this. This constant droning frustration and ravings on and on about the places you’d rather be. Shut up, you’re here I want to tell it. Make the most of it, I want to say. But it’s loud – persistant. It strikes just when you’re finally putting your two feet on the ground and it says enough of this, go go go, and suddenly you’re itching and aching to be out of this town. Common sense says no. Common sense tells you that you hate the people who do what you’re contemplating doing, and think what you’re thinking.

It doesn’t change though. The want to go. Just go. Just run.

And some days it’s all that keeps me getting out of bed. This strange thought that one day you’ll do it. You’ll sing O Canada drunkenly in the streets of Toronto, with Hollie at your side and a crew of random Canadians laughing at your typical Australianness. You’ll stumble down the streets of Japan, bickering with Amy and Barrett over where to eat and where to go next. You’ll stare up at the pyramids of Egypt with Keanan, or if his life takes him elsewhere, whatever damn fool you’ve conned into putting up with you this time around. You’ll take Lewis to the Fontana Di Trevi and eat the best gelati in the world and toss a coin over your shoulder and wish for this to never end. You’ll trek down the winding forests of Ecuador, awed and stunned by the green that encompasses and inspires. You’ll once again wake up to the eerie sound of a piano played beautifully after a wonderful night in Melbourne, wandering down the hardwood floors to greet one of the truest and greatest friends you’ve ever known. You’ll get lost in bars in Ireland, laughing and joking with the locals solely because you like hearing them speak. You’ll swim with the fish and the turtles in the great barrier reef, before jetting back to Brisbane to catch trains and ride rollar coasters with Amy.

You’ll do it. You will.

Shh. Be patient.

Learn to enjoy the times between too. Learn to enjoy home. Learn to be happy with the here and now, and stop wishing for the next great adventure.

Bah. Sleep.

You know what?

I can think of less and less reasons to get out of bed each day as time goes by.

Well PHHHHHBBBBLBT! to you

I have come to a startling conclusion as of late – for someone who runs a reorg on her life every few years (new job, new house, new friends more often than not) I am incredibly bad at actually dealing with change.

I DO NOT like having my cheese moved, as the saying goes. Put the damn cheese down and back away slowly before I scratch your eyes out. Got it? Good… -narrows eyes-

I have also realised that I’m even clingier than I first feared. This is very very bad. And could have further reaching consequences than I would like to admit right now.

Also, the rowing machine is my mortal enemy. Seriously. Ow. Wtf. My lungs hurt.

And finally, I’m feeling so very very blue. I blame my life’s soap opera-esque quality for that. Or the equilibrium. Amy knows what I mean -nods solemnly-
So I’m going to go run a hot bath and read Dilbert comics.

Cos that’s what I do.

Awkward Moments

I’ll cut to the chase on this one – I’m drawing a total mental blank for ideas on my short story and I want some suggestions

The theme, due to my recent obsession with steampunk, is time – I can’t really be more specific than that as it’s all deep and literary and meaningful and blah blah blah (basically it’s a load of pretentious shit). But what I need from you guys is an example of when time has either
a) seemed ridiculously significant/insignificant or
b) DRAGGED ON LIKE A MO FO.

I don’t want to hear about you waiting in a queue for example but maybe waiting for results on a particularly painful test (I meant a school test, but take it how you will you sickos ), or maybe something way more significant than that? Or it can be totally meaningless! Perhaps time dragged on really badly as you were waiting for your lecture to end so you could go buy candy! (What? Am I the only one who does that?)
I don’t need you to describe it in great depth. I don’t need you to tell me every detail of the event (though if you want to, go for it) cos my imagination will fill in the blanks and it will probably end up resembling nothing like what you’d planned X3 I just need some scenarios to work with. Everything I can come up with out of my own life is just… too me XD I want something a bit less self-centred.

So, uh… yeah! Hit me with your best shot and I’ll do a “my life” update on here later.

fmylife

I am ridiculously tired. I have had two hours of sleep in the past 48 hours. I have no idea why I don’t let myself sleep now.

So you get an update in the only way I can think to do it with everything that’s been going on – in LIST FORM! Some of this will be nonsensical. Some of it will be coded. Some of it will SOUND dirty but not be at all, some of it will sound dirty and just plain BE dirty. Onwards…

1. I cannot help but begin with my favourite from the past few days: “It was like you… sponteneously orgasmed or something O_O” in response to Nat randomly shuddering. It was disturbing
2. Ginger Snaps is an AWFUL movie. Just AWFUL.
3. I am still the queen of “foot in mouth”.
4. RIP Julian. You were loved so very much. You made more of a difference than you will ever know. I can’t say more, because my heart breaks a little each time I think about it.
5. I completely misjudged some people from a very long time ago. I realise now that I was in the wrong. I renounce my dislike of them, and hope to mend the bridge. Which I think I will achieve, simply because they are really good enough people to forgive and forget
6. Coming off of medication did not affect me nearly as much as they said it would. I feel exactly the same, minus one “side effect” which is actually more a bonus than anything else. I’m waiting for withdrawal
7. I got stood up today. I’m still a little worried that he’s passed out in a ditch somewhere given that he didn’t reply to ANY of my texts to find out if he was okay. However I have no way to contact him, so I’ll just have to wait and hope. And if he did just stand me up, I may tear him a new butthole.
8. I nearly gave in to the urge to become just another piece of meat. Simply because I couldn’t believe he would even give me a second glance to WANT me that way.
9. I am 19 years old. I should be passed the stage where a guy can numb my brain, turn my body to jelly and my sense of self-awareness to dust. I have no idea how to behave like a human around one of my friends. It’s ridiculous. It reminds me why I kept my distance. I never realised how much it bothered me to do so till now.
10. I am NOT putting myself down when I say that the one person I’ve met in forever who might make me happy will not be interested in me. I’m realistic. False hope is not a positive. It causes me to blurt my feelings and scare the hell out of them. It’s better to awkwardly side-step the issue for forever and a day. I wish it weren’t the case. But until he says otherwise, stop telling me I’m wrong. I’m not.
11. I am tactless. Truly, truly tactless. I’m sorry I’m such a thickhead. You’re basically one of the most important people in my life right now.
12. I’m finally over it. I know, I know, I can’t believe it either. But I finally want and need to move on with my life.
13. fmylife.com is brilliant. And I relate to far too many stories on it
14. It’s amazing how much difference a phonecall makes. How much you can forgive as soon as someone just picks up the phone to ask how you’re doing. And that reminds me of something else I need to do
15. I hate hate hate hate hate hate HATE this empty house. I hate this house. I don’t know why, but I feel a total aversion to the place itself. My home repulses me. I cannot wait till the new house is built.
16. I got a new job. Thank gawd.
17. I need to have a fun night. NOW.
18. So help me, I WILL lose a goddamn clothing size soon.
19. I have no idea what else to write. I can’t keep my eyes open.
THE END

My immune system hates me

Soooooo I’m sick. Again. Quite badly so because it’s developed from a sinus infection I had for like… three months and ignored ;D now it’s spread to my throat and my whole head feels slooshy and crap. End whine. Onto the good things!
Providing I get accepted into the program, I’M GOING TO ECUADOR!!! there’s no guarantee I’ll get a placing but I really desperately want to. It sounds incredible. We’ll be right in the amazon rainforest building freshwater pipes for a really remote village. So remote, in fact, that we’ll be taking canoes every morning to get there. COOL OR WHAT?! After the volunteer work, we also get to do:
1) a night time canoe ride to see the rainforest at night
2) a guided tour with a biologist who can point out all the different wildlife and plants, and also owns a butterfly farm with over 55,000 species. WOAH
3) Visit a wildlife rescue centre (STEPH’S DREAM COME TRUE!!)
4) go white water rafting (yeah not sure about that haha)
and various other super-super-super awesome things I can’t remember right now because I’m half asleep. But I’m so excited! Apparently there’s monkeys running around everywhere there – you gotta be careful they don’t steal your camera XD

On the note of cameras, I got a new number today. I sent it out to almost everyone on my contact list, but if I missed you just let me know. Oh and tell me if you’re on Virgin Mobile, cos if so I get free calls and texts to you basically I went with a plan where I pay almost the same in what I do in credit every month (only plus $10 for insurance, because I know I’m prone to breaking phones) but get a phone in the bargain. And I get as much credit as I do with my prepaid turbocharge, so I’m pretty pleased. I can’t really use it much till the bill resets on the 10th though, because it took almost all my credit to send out that mass message with the new phone number X_X I’m gonna KILL anyone who I sent it to who doesn’t bother to save it

Erm what else? Uni sucks. Still. Hate it -stab-. And I still can’t stay awake during lectures -_-; on the plus side, finally got my laptop working there so I FINALLY have the internet. Oh and I have a reference for job hunting from the head of the english department booyeah. Woot for padding out the CV even more.

And in spite of how cheerful this post sounds, I actually feel really bloody awful right now. Which just goes to show how stupid I am.

Night!

Sigh. Complications.

This really isn’t going to be a blog worth reading. It’s a retalliation on the world for a bad day and some stupid things said by stupid people. The sort of thing that once I’ve had a vent about, I will simply smooth my hand over my forehead killing off all the frown lines as I go, and get on with my life. I would simply vent to a friend, but the unfortunate part is that it’s 12:04 in the morning, and if I don’t get this off my chest I’m never going to sleep – and I refuse to sacrifice a minute more of my life wasted thinking about these sorts of things.

The reality is that I’m a different person now, that I really am trying the best that I can. I’ve never been patient. Ever. I’ve never been reasonable. When it comes to emotions, I trip the wire faster than anyone I know. Insult me? I feel it. Make me mad? I feel it. Make me feel worthless? I feel it. But when I say “I feel it” I don’t mean like a papercut. I mean grinding to the bone with raw emotion rip your head off and smack your head against a brick wall till the thoughts go away feel it. But after many many years of battling with it, I found out that IN PART that’s not my fault. I’m not blameless by far, but it turns out that part of that was NOT my personality so much as my body just kicking the shit out of me. The point is that I’m a little different lately. The past month, maybe two, I’ve been getting a grip on things. Things started finally working in my system, and as a result, for the first time ever I find myself capable of stepping back, counting backwards from ten and putting things in a larger picture. That doesn’t mean I don’t get irritated or snap or do any of those sorts of things – but the important point is that it won’t dwell on my mind for days/weeks/months, running around my head so much and so fast that I feel dizzy and sick and exhausted before the day has even begun. It also means I’m actually capable of being positive sometimes. He didn’t call? No biggie – maybe he’s busy. He didn’t return that text? Probably ran out of credit. Think that guy’s cute? Why not ask him to dance since you’ll never see him again? Had a fight with the parents? It’ll pass. Money troubles? Work more and prioritise. Bored out of your mind? Call a friend.
The same things bug me and the same things get me fired up – what’s changed is not the way I behave to others but rather the way I behave to myself. The way I think, if you will. I don’t have these mile-a-minute conversations with myself involving digesting and analysing every piece of information I’ve ever absorbed from any medium until there’s nothing left to analyse but the analysis itself. And if I do that, it doesn’t linger. I don’t still feel it three weeks later. And I’m trying to get things in order – I’m actually going to uni (if, granted, sleeping through bits of it. Not my fault!), planning fun things, seeking out company and meeting new people. I’m making an effort to get things together, even if you can’t see that.

Most importantly I guess, I’m moving forward. I know what I mean by that, and I can’t explain really. But it’s big. Probably bigger than anything I’ve ever forced myself to do before. Probably the thing I’ve most been fighting against for so long. It goes against all my nature and all my beliefs but I’m doing it. I’m taking a HUGE leap of faith in myself and throwing it out there. Throwing ME out there. Moving away from this one-directional path onto something with promise.

-RANTY ANGRINESS BIT REMOVED- (see lower down for why)

And thoroughly, thoroughly ashamed to admit that after everything, every horrible bad thing they ever did or said, part of me still misses them.

Hah! But as soon as I write it, it passes. Oh the joys of a functional brain. I’ve vented it, it’s gone. I have excellent friends. Real ones, who have stuck around for years in spite of all my damn insanity and incredibly irritating personality. I don’t need to dwell on those that didn’t make the cut. Your loss buddy. I rarely say it, but I would probably do anything for my good friends if they asked. Hell I felt incredibly guilty just for not coming around to one the other day cos I didn’t have any petrol (or money to get petrol on that same vein). And that’s something minor. I find it very very hard to say “no” or “I’m not interested” or quite simply “I have nothing in common with you, have no idea why you want to be my friend and don’t really enjoy this constant awkward scrambling for something to say”.
So I think I might just choose my time a bit better.

Whatever will be, will be. And I’m pretty okay with that right now.

There. In the process of writing that, I made myself feel a lot beter. And frankly I haven’t got the faintest idea why. I could quite happily delete all that and feel just as good. In fact, I will go delete the bits that might upset people -scrolls up and deletes- I don’t feel the need to give those people a hint as to why I’m displeased. Because I will simply wash my hands of it, and the end

I think I talked myself out of feeling as incredibly, horribly lonely as I did when I started this. That, or some other pettiness annoyed me enough to distract me from it either or. I still wouldn’t mind a hug though sigh.

Oh and on a totally random note, I stood behind a really hot guy on the bus today it was a very nice change from the usual unwashed miscreants. And he smiled at me, which was awesome. A customer also gave me a tip, which totally made my day ($2.50 may not be a lot of money, but the fact that they give me something extra just for doing my job and being nice always makes me happy). Oh and the bus driver waited for me when he saw me running across the road it’s the little things eh.

Oops. Shit. I’m bleeding everywhere.
(in fear that some will misinterpret that, I have edited this to add that all I did was scratch at a cut that wasn’t healed properly lol. Quite a doozy!)

Jibberish

Normally this is the kind of thing I’d write in… um actually never mind. On second thought I won’t say where on account of… stuff I’m too lazy to explain. But I digress. I am not doing so because I am tired, and being tired results in me being completely incapable of hand-writing anything at all. So anyway.

I get songs stuck in my head ALL THE TIME. Aside from being really annoying, more often than not they come out of nowhere. I’m beginning to believe my subconscious is telling me something.
Right now it’s telling me that I’m not very good at feeling positive at 2:40 in the morning. And that I want hugs, and that I feel disappointed and frustrated and kinda hurt for no good reason. And, honestly, abandoned.
Fortunately, these days my brain is a bit clearer, and IT is telling me that I should blame all of this on hormones and laugh hysterically about it in the morning before returning to my “feh I don’t care” attitude about the whole thing.
Which sounds like a mighty good plan to me!

Though I still wouldn’t object to a hug right now -crawls into bed to cuddle teddy bear-

Le tired…

It never ceases to astound me how just seeing a photo of someone can still manage to evoke a whole lot of feelings associated with them.

Like right now? Anger. Hurt. Betrayal. Emo things of that nature.

It really makes me sad when friends turn out to be something so very different to what you’ve always thought. I still think you’re a hypocrite, and I still dislike you for it. I’d forgive you easily if you ever bothered to try to make up for it. If you ever bothered to call or text or email or SOMETHING. But you won’t. So you go on believing about kindness to others and do unto you shit, but we both know that you’re perfectly capable of turning your back on someone when they ask for help. I really hope that bothers you. At least a little bit. If it were only a little bit, I’d forgive you.

Aaaaaaaaaaanyway.
I’m just rambling because I’m tired. Went to the gym today and had an hour long session for freeeeeee haha. But it means I’m knackered. In a good way though. I have, however, decided that I really freakin hate mirrors. Mirrors are the epitome of crap.

I was going to write some more, but I want to sleeeep.

Seeing watchmen tomorrow yay!

I’m off, goodnight