*grumble*

I should be in bed. I have to get up to do an open shift, but I’m tired and, as per usual, pissy.

I’ve noticed a trend. Night times = Steph feeling looooooooooooooow. I tend to be a lot better during the day/afternoon, but when it comes to evening/night… urgh. The less said of it the better. I’ve used more of my last dose of sleeping pills in the past month than I had in the six preceding it. Which makes NO sense to me because worse things were happening THEN than they are now. My doctor won’t give me any more – doesn’t want me to be a drug dependent zombie. I get where he’s coming from, and I agree with him.
But urgh.

On the plus side, I’ve done all assignments minus one (a French oral) until exams. Now all I have to do is read all the novels I should have read but haven’t and then catch up on… everything. Psychology in particular. Word of advice? Don’t miss somewhere in the vicinity of 20 lectures.

So the standard “What have you been up to”:
My fish died all four of them. I was devo, which may seem silly because they’re just fish but still. I knew I hadn’t cleaned the tank in a while but they seemed okay, so I didn’t really worry about it. Then one night the filter was driving me nuts so I turned it off for the night. By the time I woke up, two were dead and the other two were clearly dying before I could decide on the most humane way to end it for them, they’d died too. It was awful
Moving along from that sad note…
I won a free photo shoot with Studio 2000 for me and a friend. Elyse is doing it with me. I dunno if I’ll pay for the pics but it might be fun to get the hair/makeup thing done. I dunno. Honestly not looking forward to it as much as I was. Can’t really explain why.
What else? Working mostly. Went to Tanunda this morning, watched half of Lewis’s hockey match before I left for work. I had the most peaceful drive back down. I felt like I was driving AWAY from Adelaide, rather than straight back into it. It was great. That’s why I love going there. I always feel better afterwards. Other than that spent most of my week locked in the library trying to get two essays finished. I succeeded, somehow. And I made better friends with someone than I was before which was nice. I also questioned other friendships, which wasn’t so nice.

Interesting quote I’m currently pondering over: “Yeah okay I tune out to some things, but I hear what’s important! How you’re feeling, what’s wrong etc.”
Those weren’t the exact words but the meaning is more or less there. Got me to thinking. And I think they were right.
Who’s the better friend; one who listens to all your mundane day to day crap, or one who listens to the things that count?
For most people the ideal would be someone who listens to both. For me, I think it has to be the latter, with much less of the former. I talk too much shit. It’d drive anyone crazy if they had to hear ALL of it.

Speaking of talking too much shit, I’m going to end this now before it gets worse.
Goodnight!

(as an afterthought, does anyone else have the experience that when something/someone tells you to do something IMMEDIATELY for your own health/safety, you actually just feel MORE inclined to ignore and defy them because you resent being told what’s good for you? Yeah. Random I know.)

Essay essay essaaaaaaaay

No one can come to sexpo with me devo. Although, to be honest, I can’t afford the $20 entry fee anyway.

Also, my tutors are legends. I got an extension on one of my essays till Friday 4pm. Guess what I’ll be doing after work Thursday?
More importantly, guess what I should be doing now?

I’m headachey in extremes. The concept of essay writing isn’t working. I think I’ll get up supremely early and do it at uni. I discovered today that isolating myself in the library works… till I fall asleep because it’s so warm in there.
However, the plan and the quotes WILL be done tonight. Writing it is fairly easy from there.

Also, my crappy hard drive has crapped out on me. And by crapped out on me, I mean it’s full. And don’t bother telling me to clean it out! I already did that. I’m not retarded. It still hasn’t got enough space for what I need. Although granted there are ways around what I “need” but I’m not going through hours of burning things onto dvds which I’ll just lose. I always lose the DVDs I like. I still can’t find the two seasons of garfield and friends I used to have they put me to sleep for many a month. Le sigh.
The point is, I don’t have a hundred bucks to spare right now lol

I had more to write, but it was all whiney and deep and I don’t really NEED to whine and mope about it. Instead I think I’ll just go seek out another hug.
Hugs make everything better.
Wonder if hugs can write my essay for me, then catch up all my psychology lectures for me…

Actually that reminds me. On a final note, don’t expect to see me around uni for a while. And if you DO see me, tell me to get lost and go do my reading.
I’ve read three books out of 12. Shit.

I ACTUALLY began with a point

But, as with all things in my life, I tend to forget it pretty quick.
Consequently I don’t know what I had planned to write about.

I have two essays due in less than 48 hours. I have started neither, and for once I truly can mark it up to more than just laziness and procrastination, but once again I find myself none too willing to answer you when you ask me what those reasons are.

Well, except perhaps… two. And they ask, but they don’t mind when I don’t answer. They know I’ll tell them when I need to.

I’m living something of a triple life at the moment. Possibly quadruple. Either way, it’s a bit meh.

So what has Steph been doing? Where do I start from?
I’ll go with from Friday night me thinks. I was lounging around at home for the first time in so long and it was excellent. I had several invites to go out, and realistically with the time I finished work (wasn’t on close for a change), I could have done so. But, first and foremost, I don’t REALLY have the money to hit town at all, so I’ve decided it’s about -10 on my priorities list. Secondly, I really needed a night in. However it didn’t go all to plan anyway. The usual head-fucking things occurred, as well as a few added random ones which are much more uncommon haha. Drunken phonecalls inclusive. But there was a plus side. In revenge for me driving all the way to Tanunda at night and not waking him, Lewis showed up outside my window at 2am with a half-drunk Jack by his side. T’was hilarious. Apparently he tried to jump the fence. Epic fail Saturday was spent in divisions. No one should try to pack as much into one day as I attempted then. Drove up to see the Tanunda boys play hockey (I cannot explain why, but I really do enjoy watching the hockey matches) after picking up some random electronics stuff for Lewis. The game was good, though I’m pretty sure it’s the first match I’ve seen them lose. I got home with enough time to throw on my uniform and literally RUN out of the door to get to work on time. Work was madness. The less said of it the better. Got home from work, got changed (didn’t even have time to shower…) and went to Sam’s engagement party, which was a blast for the exceedingly short period of time I was there. Went straight from there to Lachie’s bday party. Everyone was already fairly drunk, which was fine because I’m a lightweight so catching up is never an issue XD highlight of the night was Damon’s quote: “Steph… you just walked out wearing high heeled boots, tights and a short skirt, holding a bottle of southern comfort… marry me.” Absolutely cracked me up. Things sort of went on a downward spiral due to the effect alcohol has on me when I’m feeling low to start with. Was fun at first but I quickly felt the emo drunk in me coming out and decided it was DEFINITELY time to pack it in before I started behaving incredibly stupidly. Sooo I did the sensible thing and asked Lachie if I could turn it in. Got his step-brother’s bed, which was the EPITOME of comfort. Had some severely effed up dreams mind you. A message from Lewis woke me from the worst nightmare though, so that was good. Left early in the morning because mum needed me home. Ran errands all day, went to work, blah blah blah. I just know I was feeling even worse than usual. Monday I have blanked out completely (excepting my brief catch up with Llewelyn. I can remember that part well :]), up until the time Lewis came over to try to cheer me up. And succeeded I then proceeded to have a fight with my dad straight after he left so that sucked a fair bit. Today was a blur of motion and too much to do in one day yet again.

So that’s about all I can say right now. Instead, have some random photos of me that I just found while cleaning out folders instead of writing essays (because I am completely pretentious right now):

Red Eye Platinum is my saviour

I am preeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeteeeeeeeeeeentiousssssssss!
As a final note, I have “Untouched” by the Veronicas stuck in my head. It will NOT get out. I find this incredibly irritating as I LOATHE the Veronicas. Gr.

Causality.

I’ve spent far too much time over the past few days staring at that same stupid word: causality.

You know what? I don’t know the cause of most things. Nor do I know why people watching the same event can reach completely different conclusions about it. I mean sure, I could list off hundreds of factors that could influence them, but I don’t think that really answers why.

I’m really sick of the “why” questions.

My dad has this view of life that external factors don’t matter. He finds it empowering to mark everything up to a choice – he can CHOOSE to let this make him feel angry or sad or whatever, or he can CHOOSE to not let it affect him and just carry right along. It’s a weird form of optimism I guess.
I hate it.
I find it belittling. My whole family has this uncanny way of just moving right the hell along without pausing to feel anything. And if you do dare to feel, it’s like they think you’re weak because of it. Like if you dare let emotions control you then you’re just making bad choices. You’re CHOOSING this path.
But I wasn’t. I never was. And I find it offensive to constantly be told that it’s all my fault.
Sure, a lot of it is. But not ALL.

There’s a lady sitting on the bus. She has her child with her. A group of blind people get on the bus with their guide dogs. As it turns out, the child is terrified of dogs. The lady goes mental, screaming and yelling to get the dog away from her kid. The blind people have essentially got this kid cornered in the seat by this dog. They ignore the lady and try to calm the child, assuring her that the dog won’t hurt her. It doesn’t work. The child keeps panicking in a BIG way and the lady keeps on yelling abuse. Finally, someone actually has a SMART idea and swaps places with the child so it’s away from the dogs. The blind people try to explain to the lady that the dog is their eyes, but she’s irritated and merely nods in reply.
Who is in the wrong?
The lady for not being tolerant of the blind people’s need for the seeing-eye dogs?
Or the blind people, for not being sensitive to the fact that phobias EXIST and if the child is THAT terrified then telling it the dog is friendly won’t make a difference?
In such a circumstance, I’d tend to say that both are in the wrong. The blind people cannot help needing the dog there, and the child cannot help being afraid.
But what if I told the full story? What if I added in the fact that the lady was not sitting on the seat with the child. Instead she was taking up a seat to herself, and the child was on a seat just across. What if I added that the lady did not move over to make room even for the blind people when the bus was completely full? What if I also pointed out that had she taken a moment to be RATIONAL and explain that the child was terrified and, Lord forbid, let the child share HER seat, instead of screaming and yelling abuse, the whole situation might have been avoided.

People really piss me off sometimes.

Probably too tired to string a coherant sentence

So I guess you could say I’m a little on the up. Well, in comparison to how awful I felt on Monday night that’s hardly a surprise. You KNOW something’s up when you’re in the company of two of your best mates who are being their usual hilarious selves and you’re still feeling miserable. But eh such is life, and I’m feeling a little better. Still panicked as hell and confused as hell about certain things but whatever. I’m dealing with it

I’m borrowing Amy’s old phone while mine is in repairs, which is quite good because Amy’s phone does everything I needed out of mine anyway. Better still, my phone is being repaired for free under my extended warranty. I kicked up a bitchfit that they weren’t covering me till July because I opted out of my contract early. I told them I’d paid for TWENTY FOUR months UPFRONT and am still an optus customer (just on prepaid), so they had no right to deny me the repairs even though I’d opted out of my contract at 21 months (penalty free cos I spent so much -facepalm-). After lengthy explanation, they apparently agreed. Downside? 95% chance I’ll lose my contacts and (much more upsettingly…) messages/photos. Very devo about that. There were some I would’ve really liked to have written down, but what can you do.

So this week at uni has been okay… aside from the fact that I STILL can’t stay awake through certain lectures. I swear it’s just plain impossible. Plus I have an essay due Friday that I cannot be assed writing. Aaaaaand I had to do some Psychology research participation thing today which I thoroughly did not enjoy. Normally I like that sort of thing but the personality assessment… yeah really wasn’t in the mood. I was criticising myself in every possible way for every possible answer. It was a bit shite. And I called in sick to work because I felt like shite. I have a splitting headache at the present, which is why I’m still awake – stupid panadol not being strong enough! On the plus side, I saw someone today who made me really smile and feel just that BIT less useless at everything important in life. That helped a lot. As did just seeing them and knowing they’re okay.

On top of all of that, I’m finally looking forward to something. Granted, I’m still DREADING something else but I’m flipping it into a positive as much as I can. Toni has suggested I go stay with her in Melbourne for a little while. If she’s serious, and if I have the financials to do so (which is a lot less likely… but I can try), I think I might. I really want to get out of here, and I’ve wanted to go to Melbourne for a while. I feel like shopping not to mention I just plain like Melbourne and yet have hardly seen any of it (I’ve only been once that I can remember, and I was only there for a day on my own outside the hotel). Plus I haven’t seen Toni in years and I think it’d be great fun! But we’ll see how things pan out. I wonder if it’s cheaper to drive or to fly nowadays? Petrol’s so expensive and domestic flights so aren’t if you pick them right haha. Things to ponder…

Also, I’m seeing a good friend I haven’t seen in a fair while on Monday, so that’s also lifted my spirits a bit. I guess some DO still want to keep in touch. That’s nice to know

That’s enough from me right now. I really REALLY need to sleep…

… and continued whining :D

I’m fairly pissed off at the present, though over something that is fairly petty. Namely that once again technology and life have conspired to piss me off and make things just that TEENSY bit harder for me. My phone appears to be on the out – less than a month after my warranty and insurance expired. I plugged it into the charger and… nothing. It doesn’t recognise that it’s plugged in. It’ll probably be flat by tomorrow. It might be the charger, which will cost money to replace that I simply do not have, or it might be the phone connection in which case I SHUDDER to think how much it would cost to fix. Not to mention the inconvenience of not having a phone because it’s off in repairs AND losing all my contacts/messages/photos. Honestly it’s the messages thing that quite upsets me. I really hope it’s just the charger.

But even then: MONEY THAT I DO NOT HAVE.

Argh. It’s like every time I work harder to get more money, something screws up like this that I have to replace. Plus, as a result, I am DEFINITELY taking tomorrow off uni. Mostly because I have so much shit to do that I never seem to have the time to do. I need to hang up all my clothes (everything I’ve done in laundry in the past month or two is sitting on my floor because I didn’t have the time to sort through it), clean the fish tank, clean my room from top to bottom (this includes throwing shite out. Clutter is driving me to madness), clean out my car, take my phone in for repairs, write two essays, order my new glasses, get my new sneakers… -breathes- I could go on, but you get the gist. It’s just day to day crap I never seem to find the time for.

So my life? Erm I’ll start at Friday cos that’s as far back as I’m currently capable of remembering. Pete bailed, so my day got rearranged. Mum and I went to the optometrist to make sure my script was still the same, then she dragged me around town because she refused to pay as much for glasses as they wanted. I lost count of the pairs I tried on. After that she took me sneaker shopping (my sneakers for work are falling to BITS), and low and behold the ONE decently priced good pair didn’t have my size. Also, mum bought me two new jackets because she absolutely LOATHED the one I was wearing and couldn’t stand looking at me any more. I’m not sure whether to be glad about that one? Eh. Free clothes. Went home, went to some appointments, wasted MASSIVE amounts of time looking for a new tracksuit for mum that she wanted for mother’s day and found NOTHING decent (Adam ended up getting it for her the next day in a totally different shopping centre) and ended up buying her potted tulips (her favourite flower), which, fortunately, she loved. Then I went to work. Then I went to Tanunda because I was sick of everything in Adelaide Lewis, being the generous soul he is, let me sleep in his room and nicked off to the spare room. Whilst he falls asleep fairly quickly most of the time, it was inevitable that I’d be up for hours so by being in his room I had access to his computer which is full of movies and TV series that really help me sleep. Yay! That was by FAR the best night of sleep I’ve had in SO long. I don’t even know why, but I actually managed to wake up at around 8:30 OF MY OWN ACCORD. I hadn’t even had 8 hours of sleep yet but I woke up and kinda went “… yep I feel energised enough to actually get up”. Normally dragging myself out of bed is an absolute chore. So yay! We went and saw Iron Man, which was FANTASTIC, and then I went and watched his hockey game again (which was muchos fun and involved a rather painful hit from a hockey ball for Lewis accompanied by an excellent rolling landing XD) aaaaaaaand then I went to work after massive argument number 3000 with my father – weirdly enough he’s been quite nice ever since… so I just have to facepalm at the whole thing. Sunday was a write off… I should have done so much more but I didn’t sleep at all Saturday night so I wasn’t up to it… I got up early to learn how to do open shifts at work, then went home and absolutely wasted the day (mostly with sleeping) and then went to work again. Which irks me cos it’s my own fault I now have so much shit to do tomorrow. Urgh.

So, realistically my dear readers, instead of writing this I should be sleeping for a hard day’s slog tomorrow. But I can’t sleep. I’m over thinking and angry at nothing. I had a MASSIVE anger fit the other day. I don’t even know what triggered it… actually that’s a lie. After picking to pieces the events surrounding it, I think I can mark it up to bordering on a panic attack at the thought of being “left behind” – I won’t go into details as to why that’s come up a lot recently because it’s not important. But it was MADNESS. I’m driving and then suddenly there’s tears streaming down my face and I’m screaming nonsense and hitting the steering wheel (and obviously not getting a great deal of results in doing so) and various other things O_o Just INSANITY. I was completely shaken. It took hours to get rid of the edge… thankfully I was in good company so I think I appeared fairly sane after I got out the car. Just out of spirits I guess. Man I’m amazed I didn’t kill myself doing that whilst at the speeds I was -shakes head-

And here I am, wondering why my head sucks so much at looking at the bigger picture and realising how lucky I am, and awake.

But you know what? I’m still gonna smile. Cos I know something you don’t, and that something just made me smile

I love Damon’s ass!

I remember someone told me to post a blog under that title, but I honestly can’t remember why. But who am I to question peer pressure?!

I’m grumpy, for various and decent reasons. I also have a craving for another holiday. Either off to the Gold Coast to go theme-parking, or to Europe (but that one’s always a given), or even just a couple of days in a luxury hotel kicking back without a care in the world or maybe Melbourne for shopping… Gawd I wish I had money XD

In other news, I have shiteloads of uni work. Now there’s a surprise. Lately I’ve been up to… well way too much to summarise in a blog. Tomorrow I am spending the entire day running joyous errands, followed by work, FINALLY followed by some relaxation time up in Tanunda. Then Saturday I’m HOPEFULLY seeing iron man, watching a hockey game and then work. Sunday I might be getting trained in how to do opens, so at least I might get some longer shifts or something. This leaves me almost no time for my two essays that are due next week hoorah!

I miss Dazzleland.

End whining.