I’m thinking…

I’m thinking I’m about to make a mistake. I’m thinking that the last thing I should be doing is sticking myself in major “reflection” mode right before exams.

It was three years ago. Why am I scared of what I’ll find?

I’m also thinking I should change my mind. I’m thinking that I’ve been a bitch, and not let you get excited about something that you have every right to be excited about. I’m thinking I feel awful about that, and will endeavor to change that hopefully sometime this week. Let’s get excited together.

I’m thinking of making a list that makes a point. I’m thinking I’m not going to get your birthday present finished anywhere NEAR on time. I’m thinking I mighta lost my notebook for the damn thing anyway.

I’m thinking sometimes I wish I didn’t think about you so much. I’m thinking maybe that’s actually not a bad thing.

I’m thinking that cutting caffeine and fizzy drinks out of my diet was an excellent move (although I am allowed a cup of tea most days because tea is good for me anyway) and I’m thinking I feel pretty proud of myself for sticking to something for once. I’m thinking that maybe small steps are the key. I’m thinking maybe I could stand to look in a mirror in about three months without cringing.

I’m thinking your couch sounds like a wonderful place to be. I’m thinking I need that holiday. I’m thinking I really hope you still want that other holiday, because I really do. I’m thinking I might need it for more reasons than just “I need a break”. Though I definitely am thinking “I need a break”.

I’m also thinking “I need a better paying job with more regular hours”.

I’m thinking I shoulda told work I can’t work tomorrow.

Nothing but rambling to be found here.

I’m thinking about inconsequential things. But it’s what I do, so here, have a look into Steph’s very very tired mind at the present:

It is 2:34am on a Thursday morning. Earlier in the evening, I worked the shift from hell after spending an EXTREMELY lethargic day where I expanded Tuesday’s “I do not want to leave the house” to “I do not want to leave my room… or more specifically, bed”. So I didn’t, until I dregged myself up to go to work where I was short tempered and drank a lot of juice. A LOT of juice. Two nudies and two V8s. That’s probably more nutrition than I usually get in a week. Let’s be honest, it’s not that healthy. But I’m trying to kick the caffeine addiction and I had a withdrawl headache to boot. For whatever reason, juice controlled it a little. Till I got home. Then I was at migraine stages.

Also, damn, I just realised the cup of tea I drank earlier would have had caffeine in it. Oh well. Still better than 1.25L of pepsi max/diet coke per day I reckon.

I’ve come to accept the fact that I like who I am when I’m drunk better than who I am regularly. Why? Because drunk me is what I used to be. Giggly and stupid and outgoing and a risk-taker. I was trying to explain to someone why I’m not that any more, and I realised that I really don’t know. Then in the midst of people yelling and screaming at each other in a confined space, a thought crossed my mind. The thought was this: “YOU took that away from me. YOU’RE the one who made me so angry that I can’t find it in me not to be bitter and hateful and cynical all the time.”
But even I realise that’s not fair. It’s not entirely inaccurate either – they’re a big part of why I close off. A big part of why I have some of the attitudes I have. Fuck it, let’s be honest – they raised me to be who I am.
But there’s more to it than that. They never meant real harm. Ever. They care, I will give them that. Even if they fuck up royally sometimes, they care. And where would I be if they didn’t forgive ME for MY mistakes and outbursts? On the street somewhere probably. The least I could do would be to grant them the same “I’ll pretend that didn’t happen” mentality. So there’s more than that. There’s the sum of all the people I know, for one thing. I know a LOT of incredible and amazing people. I also know a LOT of dickheads. Or I would if I bothered to waste my time on them. Day in and day out for as long as I can remember it’s been dealing with pricks. And that’s not a problem when they’re not involved in your life for the long term – but then I look at it more closely and go wait! shit! actually I’ve had a lot of dickheads close to me in the past too. Only, of course, I didn’t think they were dickheads then.
I’m being unfair. They’re not bad people. All of them mean well at heart I think. And if they don’t, I think they’re just a tad blind to the consequences of their behaviour. I haven’t thought about them in a long time – but now that I do I feel my jaw tense and my cynical side take over.

I much preferred the side of me that ignored the bad and saw the good in everyone. The uninhibited, very annoying, overly confident trainwreck of a person who was happy to meet you.

Rather than just tired. Just very very tired.

So I don’t like who I am this year. Or snippets of last year where things at school made me crazy and angry. But I like the bits between that and snippets of before that. I liked me in Year 11. I honestly didn’t give a SHIT what people thought about me because it had to be better than what their predecessors saw in me. Where did that mentality get me?
It got me the intense privilege of having a person in my life that I would not trade for anything or anyone.
It got me more than that, obviously, but that’s what sprang to mind.

So what is my dark mentality getting me this year?

Jack squat.

It’s getting me feeling distant and cold to every new person I meet because I’m tired of making friends then having to move on for various reasons – many of those reasons being time. It’s getting me being angry that I don’t get to keep in touch with people, and angry at uni and work for taking up my “youth” and what little time I have left before I have to enter the workforce full time and act like an “adult”. It’s making me angry that I feel so disconnected and lonely except when I’m doing those things I bloody well would be doing more often if it WEREN’T for uni and work.

And I just don’t understand why my head makes all of this so difficult.

I can’t wait to move. I’ve been saying that for years – as has my whole family. But the more I stay here the more the need to get away from here intensifies. I don’t hate this place – it’s a roof over our heads and I’d be ridiculous to ask for more. It’s more just the concept of change that I like. Like maybe packing my life into boxes and shifting it somewhere that looks prettier will make me feel better. Like maybe having more physical space will give me more head space. Which is neither true nor fair for the most part. But it’ll be nice to not have to tip toe around the living room because dad’s sleeping in there. It’ll be nice to come home from work and actually be able to watch TV to wind down instead of coming home and creeping through because Adam and Shannan are there (or dad actually). It’ll be nice to be able to remove myself to a space where I can’t hear every single conversation, movement and TV show playing. It’ll be nice not having to navigate one bathroom between four people who almost always end up needing it at the same time. It’ll be nice to unpack those boxes and tell myself “new start”.
Uni was supposed to be my new start. That was a flop. So I’m thinking of just setting my hopes on plan b and hoping that makes me feel better.

The most frustrating thing of all is that I have no reason to feel bad. And I do not understand why I can’t look at it logically and say “see! You’re being irrational! Snap out of it!” and snap out of it. Just snap the fuck out of it.

I keep wondering what draws me to people. You know how everyone has a supposed “type”? I don’t think I do. I flit between groups like… like some clever metaphor I can’t think of at 3 fucking am, without ever really tracing patterns. There aren’t many people I’m automatically drawn to these days. There’s a couple, none whom I shall name. One I can tell I like solely because they’re just plain nice. Bubbly and friendly and funny. All the things I want to be. I admire them for that. One I think I like BECAUSE they’re shy. They’re enigmatic, but equally just… kind. You can just tell that they’re kind and that they care. Another I lost the feeling with the more I knew them. I think it was the rebel appeal. But the more I spent time with them, the more that got tiring and I half felt like saying “Oh suck it up and stop trying to act like a dumbass. This isn’t high school, it isn’t cool to not care any more. Just admit that you care and want to do well”. Harsh, I know. But they reminded me of other people. Other than that, I haven’t met anyone I can think of in the past six months or so that makes me go “I want to be your best buddy RIGHT NOW!” which is strange for me. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve met plenty of people that I truly like.
But not clicked, if that makes sense.
I know what drew me to my closest friends. I know what drew me to people I’ve liked/dated. But nothing was ever a constant. There’s no pattern.
Except, I guess, that they made me laugh

And that’s plenty.

Fuck this is ridiculous and boring and shit. I’m going to bed.

Steph isn’t here right now. Please leave a message after the beep. *beep*

I hate to do this to you all right now, but I’m really down to having no other choice.

Till after exams, PLEASE don’t ask me to catch up. I feel bloody awful telling people no so I tend to just go along with it – but this is getting out of hand. Firstly, I don’t really have the MONEY to be going out. Secondly, I really haven’t got the time. My hours across work are currently badly spread out. To make what I need to make, I’m working shorter shifts every day which takes up basically my whole evening. I have had people ask me to do something EVERY day this week, and to be quite honest, I just can’t do it. I need to be studying – I have exams soon and I’m the worst procrastinator. But more than that I’m just plain exhausted. I cannot tell you how tiring it is to spend a good 16-18 hours a day out of the house because I haven’t had time to see people in ages. And I’m not exaggerating that number (including work and travel time mind you). I feel bloody rotten about this, and normally I put EVERYTHING aside for friends when they ask me to (aside from other friends) but I can’t do it right now. I want to have time to study and CLEAN for crying out loud. I haven’t had time to do laundry in over a month (ew). I DO really and truly want to catch up with everyone, and I’m missing some people a lot, but I just can’t juggle this much right now.

I’ll let you know when I have more time. I’m going to say around this time next month – exams will be over then.

Hope you understand, and hope you aren’t shitty with me. I’m not going to apologise though – I NEED some time to myself before I burn out. Simple as that.

Good grief…

Insomnia is NOT my friend right now. Gawd last night was awful sleep-wise. I don’t recall actually getting ANY sleep but I might be wrong. At best a couple of hours, cos I remember looking at the clock and registering that it was 6am, and I got out of bed at 8am.

Anyway, a VERY quick update because I’m tired and still have stuff to do before I can sleep

Last Monday I (or the studio. One or the other) stuffed up the time for my shoot, so I dragged Elyse out to the city for nothing. That was rather sub par. She treated me to a maccas dinner like the good sport she is, then I randomly decided Damon and I were going for a drive. We ended up at Jenna’s and funtimes and no sleep was had by all. Went to netball Tuesday and can’t remember that far back to give more detail than that. Wednesday was work, as was Thursday and Friday. However, Thursday entailed me deciding I was sick of the house and ending up at Keanan’s place till somewhere around 12.30am. Noticing a pattern of no sleep? Friday I had originally planned to go to Nat’s pubcrawl, but couldn’t afford it, then decided to go to Jenna’s, but couldn’t really afford the petrol to go there either (plus Lewis had hockey earlyish in the morning). Instead we went to Keanan’s place to play video games. Instead we watched Mighty Boosh till we all fell asleep good times, very good times. Saturday I went to Lewis’s hockey match again – t’was a REALLY good game to watch actually. After that he exceedingly generously ditched refereeing to hang out with me cos he’s such a good bloke (and Jack is also awesome cos Jack refereed instead). In my awesome intelligence, I left my phone there. So after work on Sunday I drove all the way back up there both for Jack’s farewell party as well as to get my phone back XD and therein was the awful night’s sleep. Lewis fell asleep first, I had to see Jack off (that really doesn’t look good in written form…) and then headed to the spare room where I proceeded to not sleep at all. Once it was clear I wasn’t going to sleep, I read a book. I tried to sleep again. I still couldn’t. So I read another ridiculously boring book. Still nothing. I waited another hour to see if I would fall asleep without reading. No dice. I read another. That was about the time think I MIGHT have fallen asleep but it may well have just been delirium. I vaguely recall crying a lot for various reasons (many to do with how frustrated I was that I couldn’t sleep) and noticing that when I turned the light off, it was darker with my eyes open than closed O_o queer. At about 8.15 in the morning I got fed up and wandered into Lewis’s room. Of course I woke him, and he very generously moved over and let me in. Thankfully I managed to get an hour or so’s worth of sleep there. I have no idea why I just couldn’t have done it in my own bed. Rargh.
Uni today was average. Can’t be assed explaining it. Was disappointed to realise that I might not see a couple of people from my psych tutorial again. They were cool. Lost my voice completely and my throat hurts like a BITCH and I have nothing to soothe it with Nat gave me some funky strepsils from Italy. They taste AWESOME but sadly are doing nothing for the pain the plus side is that there is almost no chance I can do my French oral like this. I can barely speak atm and it’s just getting worse. Ick. Tonight was good anyway though, cos Nat and I had the Studio 2000 thing was fun to get all glammed up. Plus our photographer was a nerd and seriously made me laugh. Good times.

Okay that’s all I have time to say. I have to write something important and get up early to deliver it. Goodnight all!