A long awaited and very rushed update

I was reading over a page in my “Wreck this Journal” (pictures and progress to be coming once I get home from work) which happened to be a page for angry thoughts… and I just laughed at myself. Which was refreshing and relieving. It’s nice to know that I can still occasionally look back at myself and look at something which is a very serious issue to me, and just piss myself laughing at my emo and self-centred manner of expressing it. Had Amy been reading it, she would have flicked me on the ear REPEATEDLY (she knows what I mean )

So I’m sitting here thinking, okay things suck a bit. I’m in a rut, I’m losing friends and I’m none too happy with the fact that I’ve barely had any time to do anything other than uni and work. And then I smack myself in the face and go “Okay! Snap out of it!”
It’s time to whack on a pair of heels and that one dress you don’t hate yourself in and hit the freaking town and FORCE yourself to enjoy it. Fortunately I have just such an opportunity this weekend… twice!
I can sit here and I can bitch and moan that I don’t like who you’ve become, or who I’ve become, or I can just do what I should have done a long time ago and SUCK IT UP, get dressed up and MAKE myself feel good about me.
Cos I’m tired of waking up with the first thought in my head being “get out of bed you fat lazy sack of crap”.
We’re all over the low self esteem bit. Me most of all.

And so I end this update for now, given that I have to rush off to (surprise surprise) work. When I get home, if I remember, I’ll whack some pics up.

Peaceout!
xox

It’s so nice…

When someone randomly understands exactly what you’re going through before you even try to explain it. It’s even nicer when they somehow seem to know exactly what to do, and do it. Just out of kindness.

I’m really grateful for people today.

You were a song in my head

There was this tune in my head. The girl who sung it in the first place had this beautiful voice, and I kept thinking that maybe if I tried to copy her, I could make something sound that good. Every time I opened my mouth all that came out was some off-key squeak, so I stopped. I caught myself humming instead, wandering down to the bus stop with my headphones in and a completely DIFFERENT song blasting into my eardrums, but still humming that same tune. Let me tell you, hearing one thing and singing another isn’t nearly as easy as it sounds. So there I am, making my way down the same old roads, watching the same old cars go past and a thought occurs to me.
This city just isn’t for me.
Now I’m not like most people – I don’t complain about the nightlife around here. I could care less that we don’t have good clubs or a great music “scene”. Maybe if I were like I used to be it’d bother me. It used to be that I was bouncing around like I was permanently on sugar and caffeine in large doses and couldn’t shut up or stop being the centre of attention for five seconds. Now I can’t seem to find that part of me. Now I find myself standing on the sidelines looking like a bad sport because I just can’t bring myself to join in the fun. And I sit there and I wonder why, you know? At what point did being around people become a BAD thing? Why can’t I just be stupid and have fun like I used to?
At the end of the day, it’s irrelevant I guess. I’ve made up my mind and I know what I’m going to do – but it’s not easy. There’s only so many people you can casually tell your plans whilst knowing that it isn’t how it’s really going to play out. But that’s another story for another day.
The point is that as I’m walking down this road, humming this tune, I keep seeing people I know and saying hello and realising I don’t actually feel like stopping to chat. All I want to do is get to my bus, put my headphones on louder and just let it drive me to wherever. Before I can manage this though, someone successfully breaks through the background noise I’m hearing as a beat and stops me dead in my tracks.
“CAT!” he yells as I hear him jogging behind me. Next thing I know, he’s wrenched one of my headphones out and is grinning in my face. “Hey!”
“Oh, hey Tommy.” I can’t help but be half-hearted. I should be happy to see him. He’s my best friend. But the more I see him lately, the more I miss him because I realise I don’t actually feel like I’m there. Or that he’s there, for that matter.
“What brings you to this part of town?” He inquires, gesturing around him with his trademark charismatic smile.
“Bus.” I point as I say it, trying to hide my deadpan tone.
“To hell with that. Come shopping with me and Josh!” He punches my arm playfully as he speaks, but I turn away.
“Nah, maybe another time. I’ve kinda got work to do.”
Always making excuses.
He looks disappointed for a moment, then hides it as successfully as he hides any another real emotion.
“Oh, okay, no worries. Another time then.” He smiles, waves and walks away. So I keep going the way I came, getting further and further and deeper and deeper into a mess of my own making.
Sometimes I swear I’ve got my head so far up my ass I can’t believe I can see the light of day.

—————

Random thing I’m working on. Don’t know if I’ll continue it.

Possibly just a load of bull

I wrote all this, then deleted it. This is the only bit I’ve decided I’m willing to share on a public medium:

I tried to write the other day. I had this dream and these characters were so vivid and their story so clear and I wanted SO badly to tell it to everyone. And I started typing and NOTHING came out right. It was just a blur of crappily written jibberish.

And I hate my dreams lately.

And I’ve run out of things to say.