For Monica’s benefit, so she knows I’m alive

Man I am terrible at life. It’s 1:54am and I haven’t even started studying for my psychology exam which is in just under 12 hours. Jeez.

I don’t really know what to write at the moment. What have I been doing? Working, moving house, sitting on hardwood floors in empty rooms with no one to talk to but a dust bunny or two… basically anything BUT studying for exams like I should be doing.

I was looking at the postsecret blog on myspace today and they were doing this thing where you post your phone number and people can send their secrets to you. I picked out a few people that had given the international codes for their mobiles (I can’t just type in an American number and expect it to work) and shot off a few of my own secrets – a couple the funny kind and a couple more serious ones. I didn’t expect a reply really, but the odd thing is that the one that was probably most dear and most scary to me got an instant reply. And it was a really sweet one too. Nothing overly serious or daunting, just honest good wishes and good vibes from some person who has never met me and whose life would not be even a TINY bit effected if I didn’t exist.
And yet still they took the time to say something nice.
I hate people just a little bit less right now.

Argh. Things are so damn strange lately. I’ve been in and out of doctors offices and god knows what else till they hand me this box of pills and tell me it might make it all better, but who really knows eh? Down a few and see what happens? And people seem weird to me. Maybe that’s all in my head but I feel like all the boundaries are shifting and changing and I’m sitting there going “Wait… what? Who the hell said you could change all the rules?!”
Don’t get me wrong. Some of them are good changes.
But most of them are just giving me food for thought when I already had too damn much to think about anyway.
-sigh- one is bugging me a lot right now. For no reason other than while I was writing that she popped into my head. She’s a cool person, I like her and I think she’d be a good friend, yet I cannot seem to open my mouth around her without making a complete idiot of myself. She has NEVER given me a reason to think that she dislikes me, but somehow I shrink under her gaze and feel like running for the hills whenever she’s around cos she scares the CRAP outta me. I get this weird feeling that everytime I say anything she’s internally rolling her eyes and going “What a fucking idiot”.
And yet she has NEVER EVER DONE ANYTHING TO MAKE ME THINK THAT!
Argh I’m so damn stupid.

Speaking of so damn stupid, males are complex and frustrating and I’d sooner bash my head against a wall than bother trying to sort this mess out anymore. I mean honestly you had a YEAR to get your shit together, you didn’t. Not my fault I’m too messed up now. Arrrrgh. Grr.

I’m broke. Pitifully so. I’m going to Melbourne from the 4th-9th of December and I’m going to have NO damned money. Plus I just got a bill from blockbuster informing me I owe them $50 for that dvd I never returned. Ouch. I don’t think I can afford to go to Brisbane next year like I planned, and that makes me a sad panda. On the plus side, it’s starting to look like Pete WILL be in Melbourne when I go, which makes the trip look a lot cooler and a lot more fun haha.

What else can I tell you? Pft. Nothing. I’m not interesting enough to have anything else to say. Time to cram for that exam…