My immune system hates me

Soooooo I’m sick. Again. Quite badly so because it’s developed from a sinus infection I had for like… three months and ignored ;D now it’s spread to my throat and my whole head feels slooshy and crap. End whine. Onto the good things!
Providing I get accepted into the program, I’M GOING TO ECUADOR!!! there’s no guarantee I’ll get a placing but I really desperately want to. It sounds incredible. We’ll be right in the amazon rainforest building freshwater pipes for a really remote village. So remote, in fact, that we’ll be taking canoes every morning to get there. COOL OR WHAT?! After the volunteer work, we also get to do:
1) a night time canoe ride to see the rainforest at night
2) a guided tour with a biologist who can point out all the different wildlife and plants, and also owns a butterfly farm with over 55,000 species. WOAH
3) Visit a wildlife rescue centre (STEPH’S DREAM COME TRUE!!)
4) go white water rafting (yeah not sure about that haha)
and various other super-super-super awesome things I can’t remember right now because I’m half asleep. But I’m so excited! Apparently there’s monkeys running around everywhere there – you gotta be careful they don’t steal your camera XD

On the note of cameras, I got a new number today. I sent it out to almost everyone on my contact list, but if I missed you just let me know. Oh and tell me if you’re on Virgin Mobile, cos if so I get free calls and texts to you basically I went with a plan where I pay almost the same in what I do in credit every month (only plus $10 for insurance, because I know I’m prone to breaking phones) but get a phone in the bargain. And I get as much credit as I do with my prepaid turbocharge, so I’m pretty pleased. I can’t really use it much till the bill resets on the 10th though, because it took almost all my credit to send out that mass message with the new phone number X_X I’m gonna KILL anyone who I sent it to who doesn’t bother to save it

Erm what else? Uni sucks. Still. Hate it -stab-. And I still can’t stay awake during lectures -_-; on the plus side, finally got my laptop working there so I FINALLY have the internet. Oh and I have a reference for job hunting from the head of the english department booyeah. Woot for padding out the CV even more.

And in spite of how cheerful this post sounds, I actually feel really bloody awful right now. Which just goes to show how stupid I am.

Night!

Sigh. Complications.

This really isn’t going to be a blog worth reading. It’s a retalliation on the world for a bad day and some stupid things said by stupid people. The sort of thing that once I’ve had a vent about, I will simply smooth my hand over my forehead killing off all the frown lines as I go, and get on with my life. I would simply vent to a friend, but the unfortunate part is that it’s 12:04 in the morning, and if I don’t get this off my chest I’m never going to sleep – and I refuse to sacrifice a minute more of my life wasted thinking about these sorts of things.

The reality is that I’m a different person now, that I really am trying the best that I can. I’ve never been patient. Ever. I’ve never been reasonable. When it comes to emotions, I trip the wire faster than anyone I know. Insult me? I feel it. Make me mad? I feel it. Make me feel worthless? I feel it. But when I say “I feel it” I don’t mean like a papercut. I mean grinding to the bone with raw emotion rip your head off and smack your head against a brick wall till the thoughts go away feel it. But after many many years of battling with it, I found out that IN PART that’s not my fault. I’m not blameless by far, but it turns out that part of that was NOT my personality so much as my body just kicking the shit out of me. The point is that I’m a little different lately. The past month, maybe two, I’ve been getting a grip on things. Things started finally working in my system, and as a result, for the first time ever I find myself capable of stepping back, counting backwards from ten and putting things in a larger picture. That doesn’t mean I don’t get irritated or snap or do any of those sorts of things – but the important point is that it won’t dwell on my mind for days/weeks/months, running around my head so much and so fast that I feel dizzy and sick and exhausted before the day has even begun. It also means I’m actually capable of being positive sometimes. He didn’t call? No biggie – maybe he’s busy. He didn’t return that text? Probably ran out of credit. Think that guy’s cute? Why not ask him to dance since you’ll never see him again? Had a fight with the parents? It’ll pass. Money troubles? Work more and prioritise. Bored out of your mind? Call a friend.
The same things bug me and the same things get me fired up – what’s changed is not the way I behave to others but rather the way I behave to myself. The way I think, if you will. I don’t have these mile-a-minute conversations with myself involving digesting and analysing every piece of information I’ve ever absorbed from any medium until there’s nothing left to analyse but the analysis itself. And if I do that, it doesn’t linger. I don’t still feel it three weeks later. And I’m trying to get things in order – I’m actually going to uni (if, granted, sleeping through bits of it. Not my fault!), planning fun things, seeking out company and meeting new people. I’m making an effort to get things together, even if you can’t see that.

Most importantly I guess, I’m moving forward. I know what I mean by that, and I can’t explain really. But it’s big. Probably bigger than anything I’ve ever forced myself to do before. Probably the thing I’ve most been fighting against for so long. It goes against all my nature and all my beliefs but I’m doing it. I’m taking a HUGE leap of faith in myself and throwing it out there. Throwing ME out there. Moving away from this one-directional path onto something with promise.

-RANTY ANGRINESS BIT REMOVED- (see lower down for why)

And thoroughly, thoroughly ashamed to admit that after everything, every horrible bad thing they ever did or said, part of me still misses them.

Hah! But as soon as I write it, it passes. Oh the joys of a functional brain. I’ve vented it, it’s gone. I have excellent friends. Real ones, who have stuck around for years in spite of all my damn insanity and incredibly irritating personality. I don’t need to dwell on those that didn’t make the cut. Your loss buddy. I rarely say it, but I would probably do anything for my good friends if they asked. Hell I felt incredibly guilty just for not coming around to one the other day cos I didn’t have any petrol (or money to get petrol on that same vein). And that’s something minor. I find it very very hard to say “no” or “I’m not interested” or quite simply “I have nothing in common with you, have no idea why you want to be my friend and don’t really enjoy this constant awkward scrambling for something to say”.
So I think I might just choose my time a bit better.

Whatever will be, will be. And I’m pretty okay with that right now.

There. In the process of writing that, I made myself feel a lot beter. And frankly I haven’t got the faintest idea why. I could quite happily delete all that and feel just as good. In fact, I will go delete the bits that might upset people -scrolls up and deletes- I don’t feel the need to give those people a hint as to why I’m displeased. Because I will simply wash my hands of it, and the end

I think I talked myself out of feeling as incredibly, horribly lonely as I did when I started this. That, or some other pettiness annoyed me enough to distract me from it either or. I still wouldn’t mind a hug though sigh.

Oh and on a totally random note, I stood behind a really hot guy on the bus today it was a very nice change from the usual unwashed miscreants. And he smiled at me, which was awesome. A customer also gave me a tip, which totally made my day ($2.50 may not be a lot of money, but the fact that they give me something extra just for doing my job and being nice always makes me happy). Oh and the bus driver waited for me when he saw me running across the road it’s the little things eh.

Oops. Shit. I’m bleeding everywhere.
(in fear that some will misinterpret that, I have edited this to add that all I did was scratch at a cut that wasn’t healed properly lol. Quite a doozy!)

Jibberish

Normally this is the kind of thing I’d write in… um actually never mind. On second thought I won’t say where on account of… stuff I’m too lazy to explain. But I digress. I am not doing so because I am tired, and being tired results in me being completely incapable of hand-writing anything at all. So anyway.

I get songs stuck in my head ALL THE TIME. Aside from being really annoying, more often than not they come out of nowhere. I’m beginning to believe my subconscious is telling me something.
Right now it’s telling me that I’m not very good at feeling positive at 2:40 in the morning. And that I want hugs, and that I feel disappointed and frustrated and kinda hurt for no good reason. And, honestly, abandoned.
Fortunately, these days my brain is a bit clearer, and IT is telling me that I should blame all of this on hormones and laugh hysterically about it in the morning before returning to my “feh I don’t care” attitude about the whole thing.
Which sounds like a mighty good plan to me!

Though I still wouldn’t object to a hug right now -crawls into bed to cuddle teddy bear-

Le tired…

It never ceases to astound me how just seeing a photo of someone can still manage to evoke a whole lot of feelings associated with them.

Like right now? Anger. Hurt. Betrayal. Emo things of that nature.

It really makes me sad when friends turn out to be something so very different to what you’ve always thought. I still think you’re a hypocrite, and I still dislike you for it. I’d forgive you easily if you ever bothered to try to make up for it. If you ever bothered to call or text or email or SOMETHING. But you won’t. So you go on believing about kindness to others and do unto you shit, but we both know that you’re perfectly capable of turning your back on someone when they ask for help. I really hope that bothers you. At least a little bit. If it were only a little bit, I’d forgive you.

Aaaaaaaaaaanyway.
I’m just rambling because I’m tired. Went to the gym today and had an hour long session for freeeeeee haha. But it means I’m knackered. In a good way though. I have, however, decided that I really freakin hate mirrors. Mirrors are the epitome of crap.

I was going to write some more, but I want to sleeeep.

Seeing watchmen tomorrow yay!

I’m off, goodnight

-spiiiiiin-

Salutations ladies and gents and the few readers I retain on here!

Very quick update: Got my license back, no problems. Excepting that they’re making me pay money once again for something incredibly stupid. I won’t go into details, but it honestly just makes me want to punch an official. Problem being I couldn’t narrow it down to whose fault it was to punch that particular person. Uni has been… tolerable. A couple of days were bad, and made me extremely self-pitying. Mind you, I maintain that having a sinus infection for the duration wasn’t helping matters. Walking around uni when you can’t breathe through your nose? Not overly pleasant haha. But the good news is my courses this year look a bit more interesting! Well, at least two of them. I’m exceedingly pleased about that. The Short Story course is more than I could have ever hoped for in an English course and I’m so excited to start. Work blows big time and Mark continues to drive my blood pressure up with his incessant jerking me around. I’m going to see if I can talk to the ombudsmen next week. I’ve truly had a gut full. Alternatively, going to look into Coles around the corner.
Ummm what else can I tell you? Went and saw Alyna’s fringe show it was awesome, go see it. Beata was kind enough to come with me and we had a great laugh. Also seeing Arj Barker on Sunday (yay!!) and seeing the Watchmen (which is a movie, not a fringe performance ) on Saturday. All in all I have a pretty damn good weekend ahead of me. If I ignore the work part.
Going to use Monday to catch up on some work for uni (not that there’s a lot, but I’m going to try to keep up this semester) and will undoubtedly be working in the evening. Back to uni on Tuesday, but really I only have a two day week next week – woot woot! Having all my lectures and tutes pretty much on the same days without being spread out with huge breaks between REALLY is helping my motivation a lot. That said, I have missed a few lectures in the first week but excepting one that was really out of my control. Stupid IT guys and being ill… however, now that I have antibiotics and have given up on getting the internet functional on my laptop, I have no excuses next week. And I don’t want any. Discipline damnit

That’s it from me for now. I need sleep (which has eluded me as of late)

Peaceout xox