Sigh. Complications.

This really isn’t going to be a blog worth reading. It’s a retalliation on the world for a bad day and some stupid things said by stupid people. The sort of thing that once I’ve had a vent about, I will simply smooth my hand over my forehead killing off all the frown lines as I go, and get on with my life. I would simply vent to a friend, but the unfortunate part is that it’s 12:04 in the morning, and if I don’t get this off my chest I’m never going to sleep – and I refuse to sacrifice a minute more of my life wasted thinking about these sorts of things.

The reality is that I’m a different person now, that I really am trying the best that I can. I’ve never been patient. Ever. I’ve never been reasonable. When it comes to emotions, I trip the wire faster than anyone I know. Insult me? I feel it. Make me mad? I feel it. Make me feel worthless? I feel it. But when I say “I feel it” I don’t mean like a papercut. I mean grinding to the bone with raw emotion rip your head off and smack your head against a brick wall till the thoughts go away feel it. But after many many years of battling with it, I found out that IN PART that’s not my fault. I’m not blameless by far, but it turns out that part of that was NOT my personality so much as my body just kicking the shit out of me. The point is that I’m a little different lately. The past month, maybe two, I’ve been getting a grip on things. Things started finally working in my system, and as a result, for the first time ever I find myself capable of stepping back, counting backwards from ten and putting things in a larger picture. That doesn’t mean I don’t get irritated or snap or do any of those sorts of things – but the important point is that it won’t dwell on my mind for days/weeks/months, running around my head so much and so fast that I feel dizzy and sick and exhausted before the day has even begun. It also means I’m actually capable of being positive sometimes. He didn’t call? No biggie – maybe he’s busy. He didn’t return that text? Probably ran out of credit. Think that guy’s cute? Why not ask him to dance since you’ll never see him again? Had a fight with the parents? It’ll pass. Money troubles? Work more and prioritise. Bored out of your mind? Call a friend.
The same things bug me and the same things get me fired up – what’s changed is not the way I behave to others but rather the way I behave to myself. The way I think, if you will. I don’t have these mile-a-minute conversations with myself involving digesting and analysing every piece of information I’ve ever absorbed from any medium until there’s nothing left to analyse but the analysis itself. And if I do that, it doesn’t linger. I don’t still feel it three weeks later. And I’m trying to get things in order – I’m actually going to uni (if, granted, sleeping through bits of it. Not my fault!), planning fun things, seeking out company and meeting new people. I’m making an effort to get things together, even if you can’t see that.

Most importantly I guess, I’m moving forward. I know what I mean by that, and I can’t explain really. But it’s big. Probably bigger than anything I’ve ever forced myself to do before. Probably the thing I’ve most been fighting against for so long. It goes against all my nature and all my beliefs but I’m doing it. I’m taking a HUGE leap of faith in myself and throwing it out there. Throwing ME out there. Moving away from this one-directional path onto something with promise.

-RANTY ANGRINESS BIT REMOVED- (see lower down for why)

And thoroughly, thoroughly ashamed to admit that after everything, every horrible bad thing they ever did or said, part of me still misses them.

Hah! But as soon as I write it, it passes. Oh the joys of a functional brain. I’ve vented it, it’s gone. I have excellent friends. Real ones, who have stuck around for years in spite of all my damn insanity and incredibly irritating personality. I don’t need to dwell on those that didn’t make the cut. Your loss buddy. I rarely say it, but I would probably do anything for my good friends if they asked. Hell I felt incredibly guilty just for not coming around to one the other day cos I didn’t have any petrol (or money to get petrol on that same vein). And that’s something minor. I find it very very hard to say “no” or “I’m not interested” or quite simply “I have nothing in common with you, have no idea why you want to be my friend and don’t really enjoy this constant awkward scrambling for something to say”.
So I think I might just choose my time a bit better.

Whatever will be, will be. And I’m pretty okay with that right now.

There. In the process of writing that, I made myself feel a lot beter. And frankly I haven’t got the faintest idea why. I could quite happily delete all that and feel just as good. In fact, I will go delete the bits that might upset people -scrolls up and deletes- I don’t feel the need to give those people a hint as to why I’m displeased. Because I will simply wash my hands of it, and the end

I think I talked myself out of feeling as incredibly, horribly lonely as I did when I started this. That, or some other pettiness annoyed me enough to distract me from it either or. I still wouldn’t mind a hug though sigh.

Oh and on a totally random note, I stood behind a really hot guy on the bus today it was a very nice change from the usual unwashed miscreants. And he smiled at me, which was awesome. A customer also gave me a tip, which totally made my day ($2.50 may not be a lot of money, but the fact that they give me something extra just for doing my job and being nice always makes me happy). Oh and the bus driver waited for me when he saw me running across the road it’s the little things eh.

Oops. Shit. I’m bleeding everywhere.
(in fear that some will misinterpret that, I have edited this to add that all I did was scratch at a cut that wasn’t healed properly lol. Quite a doozy!)