fmylife

I am ridiculously tired. I have had two hours of sleep in the past 48 hours. I have no idea why I don’t let myself sleep now.

So you get an update in the only way I can think to do it with everything that’s been going on – in LIST FORM! Some of this will be nonsensical. Some of it will be coded. Some of it will SOUND dirty but not be at all, some of it will sound dirty and just plain BE dirty. Onwards…

1. I cannot help but begin with my favourite from the past few days: “It was like you… sponteneously orgasmed or something O_O” in response to Nat randomly shuddering. It was disturbing
2. Ginger Snaps is an AWFUL movie. Just AWFUL.
3. I am still the queen of “foot in mouth”.
4. RIP Julian. You were loved so very much. You made more of a difference than you will ever know. I can’t say more, because my heart breaks a little each time I think about it.
5. I completely misjudged some people from a very long time ago. I realise now that I was in the wrong. I renounce my dislike of them, and hope to mend the bridge. Which I think I will achieve, simply because they are really good enough people to forgive and forget
6. Coming off of medication did not affect me nearly as much as they said it would. I feel exactly the same, minus one “side effect” which is actually more a bonus than anything else. I’m waiting for withdrawal
7. I got stood up today. I’m still a little worried that he’s passed out in a ditch somewhere given that he didn’t reply to ANY of my texts to find out if he was okay. However I have no way to contact him, so I’ll just have to wait and hope. And if he did just stand me up, I may tear him a new butthole.
8. I nearly gave in to the urge to become just another piece of meat. Simply because I couldn’t believe he would even give me a second glance to WANT me that way.
9. I am 19 years old. I should be passed the stage where a guy can numb my brain, turn my body to jelly and my sense of self-awareness to dust. I have no idea how to behave like a human around one of my friends. It’s ridiculous. It reminds me why I kept my distance. I never realised how much it bothered me to do so till now.
10. I am NOT putting myself down when I say that the one person I’ve met in forever who might make me happy will not be interested in me. I’m realistic. False hope is not a positive. It causes me to blurt my feelings and scare the hell out of them. It’s better to awkwardly side-step the issue for forever and a day. I wish it weren’t the case. But until he says otherwise, stop telling me I’m wrong. I’m not.
11. I am tactless. Truly, truly tactless. I’m sorry I’m such a thickhead. You’re basically one of the most important people in my life right now.
12. I’m finally over it. I know, I know, I can’t believe it either. But I finally want and need to move on with my life.
13. fmylife.com is brilliant. And I relate to far too many stories on it
14. It’s amazing how much difference a phonecall makes. How much you can forgive as soon as someone just picks up the phone to ask how you’re doing. And that reminds me of something else I need to do
15. I hate hate hate hate hate hate HATE this empty house. I hate this house. I don’t know why, but I feel a total aversion to the place itself. My home repulses me. I cannot wait till the new house is built.
16. I got a new job. Thank gawd.
17. I need to have a fun night. NOW.
18. So help me, I WILL lose a goddamn clothing size soon.
19. I have no idea what else to write. I can’t keep my eyes open.
THE END