Sigh. Complications.

This really isn’t going to be a blog worth reading. It’s a retalliation on the world for a bad day and some stupid things said by stupid people. The sort of thing that once I’ve had a vent about, I will simply smooth my hand over my forehead killing off all the frown lines as I go, and get on with my life. I would simply vent to a friend, but the unfortunate part is that it’s 12:04 in the morning, and if I don’t get this off my chest I’m never going to sleep – and I refuse to sacrifice a minute more of my life wasted thinking about these sorts of things.

The reality is that I’m a different person now, that I really am trying the best that I can. I’ve never been patient. Ever. I’ve never been reasonable. When it comes to emotions, I trip the wire faster than anyone I know. Insult me? I feel it. Make me mad? I feel it. Make me feel worthless? I feel it. But when I say “I feel it” I don’t mean like a papercut. I mean grinding to the bone with raw emotion rip your head off and smack your head against a brick wall till the thoughts go away feel it. But after many many years of battling with it, I found out that IN PART that’s not my fault. I’m not blameless by far, but it turns out that part of that was NOT my personality so much as my body just kicking the shit out of me. The point is that I’m a little different lately. The past month, maybe two, I’ve been getting a grip on things. Things started finally working in my system, and as a result, for the first time ever I find myself capable of stepping back, counting backwards from ten and putting things in a larger picture. That doesn’t mean I don’t get irritated or snap or do any of those sorts of things – but the important point is that it won’t dwell on my mind for days/weeks/months, running around my head so much and so fast that I feel dizzy and sick and exhausted before the day has even begun. It also means I’m actually capable of being positive sometimes. He didn’t call? No biggie – maybe he’s busy. He didn’t return that text? Probably ran out of credit. Think that guy’s cute? Why not ask him to dance since you’ll never see him again? Had a fight with the parents? It’ll pass. Money troubles? Work more and prioritise. Bored out of your mind? Call a friend.
The same things bug me and the same things get me fired up – what’s changed is not the way I behave to others but rather the way I behave to myself. The way I think, if you will. I don’t have these mile-a-minute conversations with myself involving digesting and analysing every piece of information I’ve ever absorbed from any medium until there’s nothing left to analyse but the analysis itself. And if I do that, it doesn’t linger. I don’t still feel it three weeks later. And I’m trying to get things in order – I’m actually going to uni (if, granted, sleeping through bits of it. Not my fault!), planning fun things, seeking out company and meeting new people. I’m making an effort to get things together, even if you can’t see that.

Most importantly I guess, I’m moving forward. I know what I mean by that, and I can’t explain really. But it’s big. Probably bigger than anything I’ve ever forced myself to do before. Probably the thing I’ve most been fighting against for so long. It goes against all my nature and all my beliefs but I’m doing it. I’m taking a HUGE leap of faith in myself and throwing it out there. Throwing ME out there. Moving away from this one-directional path onto something with promise.

-RANTY ANGRINESS BIT REMOVED- (see lower down for why)

And thoroughly, thoroughly ashamed to admit that after everything, every horrible bad thing they ever did or said, part of me still misses them.

Hah! But as soon as I write it, it passes. Oh the joys of a functional brain. I’ve vented it, it’s gone. I have excellent friends. Real ones, who have stuck around for years in spite of all my damn insanity and incredibly irritating personality. I don’t need to dwell on those that didn’t make the cut. Your loss buddy. I rarely say it, but I would probably do anything for my good friends if they asked. Hell I felt incredibly guilty just for not coming around to one the other day cos I didn’t have any petrol (or money to get petrol on that same vein). And that’s something minor. I find it very very hard to say “no” or “I’m not interested” or quite simply “I have nothing in common with you, have no idea why you want to be my friend and don’t really enjoy this constant awkward scrambling for something to say”.
So I think I might just choose my time a bit better.

Whatever will be, will be. And I’m pretty okay with that right now.

There. In the process of writing that, I made myself feel a lot beter. And frankly I haven’t got the faintest idea why. I could quite happily delete all that and feel just as good. In fact, I will go delete the bits that might upset people -scrolls up and deletes- I don’t feel the need to give those people a hint as to why I’m displeased. Because I will simply wash my hands of it, and the end

I think I talked myself out of feeling as incredibly, horribly lonely as I did when I started this. That, or some other pettiness annoyed me enough to distract me from it either or. I still wouldn’t mind a hug though sigh.

Oh and on a totally random note, I stood behind a really hot guy on the bus today it was a very nice change from the usual unwashed miscreants. And he smiled at me, which was awesome. A customer also gave me a tip, which totally made my day ($2.50 may not be a lot of money, but the fact that they give me something extra just for doing my job and being nice always makes me happy). Oh and the bus driver waited for me when he saw me running across the road it’s the little things eh.

Oops. Shit. I’m bleeding everywhere.
(in fear that some will misinterpret that, I have edited this to add that all I did was scratch at a cut that wasn’t healed properly lol. Quite a doozy!)

Jibberish

Normally this is the kind of thing I’d write in… um actually never mind. On second thought I won’t say where on account of… stuff I’m too lazy to explain. But I digress. I am not doing so because I am tired, and being tired results in me being completely incapable of hand-writing anything at all. So anyway.

I get songs stuck in my head ALL THE TIME. Aside from being really annoying, more often than not they come out of nowhere. I’m beginning to believe my subconscious is telling me something.
Right now it’s telling me that I’m not very good at feeling positive at 2:40 in the morning. And that I want hugs, and that I feel disappointed and frustrated and kinda hurt for no good reason. And, honestly, abandoned.
Fortunately, these days my brain is a bit clearer, and IT is telling me that I should blame all of this on hormones and laugh hysterically about it in the morning before returning to my “feh I don’t care” attitude about the whole thing.
Which sounds like a mighty good plan to me!

Though I still wouldn’t object to a hug right now -crawls into bed to cuddle teddy bear-

Not the greatest way to start

What were the odds that the first update I had to make in keeping with my regular updates would leave me with nothing positive to say? XD nothing serious. Just been a crappy couple of days…
I’m currently really mad. Like quite seriously mad. And not like in a petty way, but in an incredibly frustrated sick of watching people I care about hurt themselves kind of thing. Blaaaaaaaargh. And in a more petty way, mum is yelling at me in the background which is giving me a headache XD
Work is rapidly making me lose my faith in humanity. I feel I must get a new job before I become a people-hater. By that I mean racist against ALL races lmao.

Bleh don’t know what else to say.
Tomorrow should be better. Getting live at monarto tickets here’s hoping.

Going to start regular updates… or going to try

That’s right! You read the title correctly. I am actually going to make a solid attempt at getting off my butt and trying to keep this updated. Why you may ask? Well I don’t really have a decent answer to that. More than anything just because I feel like it, and because for ONCE I don’t feel whiney so perhaps this might actually be the kind of blog I always intended it to be.

Namely one that doesn’t sound like it was written by a 14 year old emo Steph

Wow. I just realised I’m wearing a towel. How did I not notice that?

Aaaanyway…
So. Steph’s world. What can I tell you?
Things are finally looking up. I finally feel like a normal human being with normal emotions and normal reactions.
Although still not zombified. Still totally capable of flying off the handles and being ridiculously intense it’s lovely. I’m so pleased. I shall treasure it while it lasts.
I finally broke out of my rut a bit too. I’ve been going out and doing things, meeting new people and volunteering and just generally being alive. Flashdance on Wednesday was absolutely awesome. Probably my second best ever night out. Maybe even my best, it was just so fun. I spent about half of it loving the company of some of my awesome friends, and the other half with some random guy who never bothered to ask my name but treated me like a princess anyway (hard to believe huh?). And shite could he dance O_O all who know me know that I hate to dance. I didn’t really get much of a choice! He tried to teach me and just generally ignored it when I screwed up, but omg it was SO MUCH FUN. I never thought I’d have fun doing something like that – but I guess knowing I’d never see him again made it a bit easier to not be self conscious about how I looked or how sweaty I was plus he didn’t care. He wasn’t in it for the hookup, he just wanted someone to dance with and have some fun. It was great – I wish I’d thanked him at the end of the night.
Other than that I spent Tuesday at a training day for uni, which was actually… great! The training itself was all the sort of crap I covered during peer mediation in high school (huh I forgot I’d been considered a part of that. Forgot to include it on my list of stuff to give to Campbell at the end of Year 12 – d’oh!) but I got a chance to get to know a couple of the girls from uni a lot better, which was great. I’ve been making more of an effort and it’s just so nice to feel like I’ve finally got some friends at uni XD (as in within my course )
What else…? Hmmm… met Ross, who was hilarious. Had Lewis over on Monday, which scored me a judgmental glare from my mother. Went to gym and worked so hard I threw up, then went to gym again and worked so hard with Heather that my arms hurt too much to really hold the steering wheel whilst driving home woo! I’m sure I did much more than this but it’s 1am and my brain refuses to function. The point is that I actually have something to write other than “felt like crap, stayed in my room all week” which is my usual byline.

I’ve planned some stuff to keep the year interesting. Going to birds of Tokyo with Amy and Mez, going to Live At Monarto (but staying in murray bridge) with Amy also starting volunteering with the animal welfare league around april (so excited!). The house will be built around June, so very much looking forward to that. PARENTS ARE GOING AWAY FOR FIVE WEEKS! Scoooore! I even organised for Adam to house sit my Uncle’s place (he’s going with them, and it was easier for me to stay at OUR house because work is about five minutes away) so I DON’T HAVE TO LIVE WITH HIM EITHER! House to myself. Pure bliss. Someone better come over and cook for me lest I accidentally burn down the house I also want to see if I can visit Pete again sometime in the holidays – though probably for a much shorter time as my bank balance ached last time Saving for Canada too, which SHOULD be happening in February ‘11. Here’s hoping! Also doing some stuff with uni – more leadership stuff (well, “mentoring”, but they’ve decided they don’t like that word) which should be really cool. Giving a couple of speeches next week, though have no idea what I’m going to say XD “well I hated uni till about a week ago… so uh… yeah… enjoy!” – I also found out about On Dit, the uni newspaper. And found out how to write for it… I am totally going to try to do that as often as I can. I don’t care if they don’t publish me, I just need the practice. And I think it’d be so damn cool to see my name in print (even if anyone could )
Really only thing that could make life better right now would be for Andrew to reappear from his disappearance oh lord I’m pathetic. -facepalm-
I think you should all be thoroughly amazed with me right now A couple of months ago I wouldn’t have bothered to organise a damn thing. I wouldn’t have even thought I’d be around for it.

So that’s about it for now really I had the shift from hell at work today, and have another fun-filled shift to look forward to tomorrow. At least on Sunday I should be seeing Tom, so the weekend won’t be a total bust. And Lewis said he’d come around tomorrow if he could find the time, so who knows. Might actually be a good weekend.
Either way, with all that in mind, I need to sleep.

Goodnight and stay tuned. I WILL actually update this!

For Monica’s benefit, so she knows I’m alive

Man I am terrible at life. It’s 1:54am and I haven’t even started studying for my psychology exam which is in just under 12 hours. Jeez.

I don’t really know what to write at the moment. What have I been doing? Working, moving house, sitting on hardwood floors in empty rooms with no one to talk to but a dust bunny or two… basically anything BUT studying for exams like I should be doing.

I was looking at the postsecret blog on myspace today and they were doing this thing where you post your phone number and people can send their secrets to you. I picked out a few people that had given the international codes for their mobiles (I can’t just type in an American number and expect it to work) and shot off a few of my own secrets – a couple the funny kind and a couple more serious ones. I didn’t expect a reply really, but the odd thing is that the one that was probably most dear and most scary to me got an instant reply. And it was a really sweet one too. Nothing overly serious or daunting, just honest good wishes and good vibes from some person who has never met me and whose life would not be even a TINY bit effected if I didn’t exist.
And yet still they took the time to say something nice.
I hate people just a little bit less right now.

Argh. Things are so damn strange lately. I’ve been in and out of doctors offices and god knows what else till they hand me this box of pills and tell me it might make it all better, but who really knows eh? Down a few and see what happens? And people seem weird to me. Maybe that’s all in my head but I feel like all the boundaries are shifting and changing and I’m sitting there going “Wait… what? Who the hell said you could change all the rules?!”
Don’t get me wrong. Some of them are good changes.
But most of them are just giving me food for thought when I already had too damn much to think about anyway.
-sigh- one is bugging me a lot right now. For no reason other than while I was writing that she popped into my head. She’s a cool person, I like her and I think she’d be a good friend, yet I cannot seem to open my mouth around her without making a complete idiot of myself. She has NEVER given me a reason to think that she dislikes me, but somehow I shrink under her gaze and feel like running for the hills whenever she’s around cos she scares the CRAP outta me. I get this weird feeling that everytime I say anything she’s internally rolling her eyes and going “What a fucking idiot”.
And yet she has NEVER EVER DONE ANYTHING TO MAKE ME THINK THAT!
Argh I’m so damn stupid.

Speaking of so damn stupid, males are complex and frustrating and I’d sooner bash my head against a wall than bother trying to sort this mess out anymore. I mean honestly you had a YEAR to get your shit together, you didn’t. Not my fault I’m too messed up now. Arrrrgh. Grr.

I’m broke. Pitifully so. I’m going to Melbourne from the 4th-9th of December and I’m going to have NO damned money. Plus I just got a bill from blockbuster informing me I owe them $50 for that dvd I never returned. Ouch. I don’t think I can afford to go to Brisbane next year like I planned, and that makes me a sad panda. On the plus side, it’s starting to look like Pete WILL be in Melbourne when I go, which makes the trip look a lot cooler and a lot more fun haha.

What else can I tell you? Pft. Nothing. I’m not interesting enough to have anything else to say. Time to cram for that exam…

I wouldn’t call it an update really

I planned to write an update. To say something about what I’ve been doing with my time and let all those that check this (I daresay there wouldn’t be many – I can’t imagine why there would be considering I never update) know that I’m still alive and was not, in fact, killed by my recent psychology assignment or caught in the crossfire when my work got robbed (I wasn’t present might I add).
But instead it turned into this angry, honest, open word vomit of nothing but angst and anger and cynicism and sadness.
And another word that I don’t choose to say. Another word that makes me feel menacing and defensive at the mere thought of it.
But the thing is that I realised that I’m not ready to be THAT honest. I’m not ready to lay my life out bare for you all to see the cracks and flaws more openly than they are already visible (and if you’re seeing what I’m seeing, they’re plenty visible and plenty repulsive).

Not yet.

So once again I find myself with absolutely nothing to say.

And unless you’re one particular person, I assure you this is not a comfortable silence.

2am again

A brief thought before bed.

At what point do you draw the line between fact and fiction? And what point does it stop being you just drawing from personal experience and instead actually reciting personal experience?

It’s fiction… isn’t it?

It’s so nice…

When someone randomly understands exactly what you’re going through before you even try to explain it. It’s even nicer when they somehow seem to know exactly what to do, and do it. Just out of kindness.

I’m really grateful for people today.

Possibly just a load of bull

I wrote all this, then deleted it. This is the only bit I’ve decided I’m willing to share on a public medium:

I tried to write the other day. I had this dream and these characters were so vivid and their story so clear and I wanted SO badly to tell it to everyone. And I started typing and NOTHING came out right. It was just a blur of crappily written jibberish.

And I hate my dreams lately.

And I’ve run out of things to say.

I’m thinking…

I’m thinking I’m about to make a mistake. I’m thinking that the last thing I should be doing is sticking myself in major “reflection” mode right before exams.

It was three years ago. Why am I scared of what I’ll find?

I’m also thinking I should change my mind. I’m thinking that I’ve been a bitch, and not let you get excited about something that you have every right to be excited about. I’m thinking I feel awful about that, and will endeavor to change that hopefully sometime this week. Let’s get excited together.

I’m thinking of making a list that makes a point. I’m thinking I’m not going to get your birthday present finished anywhere NEAR on time. I’m thinking I mighta lost my notebook for the damn thing anyway.

I’m thinking sometimes I wish I didn’t think about you so much. I’m thinking maybe that’s actually not a bad thing.

I’m thinking that cutting caffeine and fizzy drinks out of my diet was an excellent move (although I am allowed a cup of tea most days because tea is good for me anyway) and I’m thinking I feel pretty proud of myself for sticking to something for once. I’m thinking that maybe small steps are the key. I’m thinking maybe I could stand to look in a mirror in about three months without cringing.

I’m thinking your couch sounds like a wonderful place to be. I’m thinking I need that holiday. I’m thinking I really hope you still want that other holiday, because I really do. I’m thinking I might need it for more reasons than just “I need a break”. Though I definitely am thinking “I need a break”.

I’m also thinking “I need a better paying job with more regular hours”.

I’m thinking I shoulda told work I can’t work tomorrow.